This has been a somber week!  I have watched day by day my hair falling out since last Monday. Right after I received my B.C. diagnosis, I made the decision, the same day - losing my hair was going to be very difficult and I refused to watch long strands of my hair fall out on its own.  I would buzz it.  Last Monday when the realization came that my hair was beginning to fall out (2 days before my doctor said it would - and believe me every day counted so I wasn't quite ready for the falling out to happen 2 days early!), my family was out of town visiting relatives in Utah.  Knowing this would be a big week for me, I opted to stay home.  The decision was bitter sweet.  

Realizing that shaving my head would be near impossible to do on my own, I asked a sweet friend of mine, Amy to do it for me.  So through shaky hands, some tears, loud music and laughter, huddled in my bathroom were Amy and a few other friends giving me such remarkable support.  I probably felt the most vulnerable I have ever felt in all my life.  The vision of a shaved head isn't the way I would want anyone to remember me but I knew these girls wouldn't judge me.  Kami make sure the mirror was covered so I didn't have to see myself until I was ready.  I avoided mirrors and shadows all day, (until I had to use the restroom at 3 am and forgot my hat...oops...there I was, a bald headed woman, almost unrecognizable to myself).  The girls refused to let me touch my hair or pick up any strands and insisted they bag a little bit of hair, in case in the future I wanted it as a momento.

What I hadn't previously thought through was that losing my hair would be a process.  Apparently I had imagined my hair would all fall out at once, magically - poof!  Nope, it has taken a week and it still isn't all out.  I'm almost there, but not quite brave enough to go bald yet, not even inside my house with my kids around.  I will get there!  

Last week I was checking out at the grocery store and was asked the typical "how are you?"  I was tempted to be honest, throw my hoody back and remove my hat to show the clerk how I really am doing, but I didn't.  I was able to suppress the tears and say "I'm okay- I'm ready for the season to be over!"  Yes, I said that.  As much as I have loved this Christmas season, I feel ready to move on.  I feel ready to face the fight and recovery that is facing 2015 and move towards healing!  

So, here is to a new year!  A new beginning and putting our past in our behind (or behind us, whatever your preference)!  May 2015 be all we hope and whatever we make it.  A fresh start, a new chance to do those things that have been put off and if you/we fail... start over tomorrow because we can and it's okay!