The last day of my PRIOR life!

     Many people who have walked the path I am starting down have told me, "Your life will never be the same again!"  This statement could be taken one of two ways, I'm sticking to the thought that me and my family will be stronger at the end of this than when we started.  That would be awesome!  I know trials can either tear us down or make us stronger.  As life continues day in and day out, my goal isn't to be any less of a person, in fact each day I would love to be a little bit better and stronger.  So, as I thought about this, the last day of my PRIOR life (because tomorrow morning we enter a new life) the only thing on my bucket list was to go here:
   

     The peace, comfort, knowledge and beauty found within these walls is unlike any other place on earth I have ever experienced.  As I was sitting in the celestial room, I silently prayed, trying hard to fight back a huge wave of emotion and tears!  I prayed that my body will receive and positively respond to all of the medications, especially the chemo, I prayed that my boys wouldn't suffer too much but have stronger testimonies as a result, I prayed that I will be strong enough and healthy enough to fight!  As I was heading back to the dressing room, walking down the grand staircase, I asked for some sort of confirmation that things would be okay.  Then, a tender mercy - there have been SO many!  Debbie Spackman, my second mom growing up.  Her daughter Holly and I were connected at the hip growing up and we did just about everything together.  People thought we were sisters.  I loved being at Holly's home and I adore Debbie and Ken.  Over the Thanksgiving holiday when I shared my "B.C." news with Holly, we barely missed being able to see each other and Holly didn't take the news well!  So today as I was descending the stairs, Debbie exited a door to walk up the stairs.  The second I saw her I was overcome with emotion.  We embraced for a while and I started crying- like the ugly embarrassing cry.  I felt like if I couldn't see Holly, her mom was the next best thing.  That was a sweet moment.  It was at that point I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I, Michelle Johnson am only one person, but my Heavenly Father knows me and is completely aware of me and my needs.  I don't know how He knows all, but my heart is full of so much love and gratitude!  

     This is something that has been on my mind this last week.  For those of you who know me well, you know I love music!  Music is food for the soul.  Music is a way of expressing our emotions when words cannot.  If I had the choice of being blind of deaf, I would choose to be blind because I just can't imagine not being able to hear and sing all of the music that fills my life and seems to complete my days!  I have been thinking a lot about how my married life especially could be documented with songs.  When Jared and I were married in 2000, the song was "Cowboy Take Me Away" by Dixie Chicks.  I love everything about this song.  When I hear it to this day I can't keep from singing it at the top of my lungs and dancing around the room.  It takes me away to a dreamy place far far away!  When I had Hayden in 2004, the song that would describe my child bearing years is "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Celine Dion.  I still cry every time I hear this song.  I picture myself holding each of my new born babies and the sweet heavenly spirit they have brought into our home.  However, the song was a little different with #3, Brady.  Brady was an unexpected surprise and I found myself playing the song, "Thankful" haha, by Josh Groban over and over and over...and over, and just bawling almost every time, working on convincing myself that being pregnant was a blessing, something that I needed to be able to embrace.  I can't imagine my life without him and today I know that God had a greater plan in sending him to our family right when he did!  During a rough patch in our marriage a few years ago, the song that I love to this day is called "Today is The Day" by Shania Twain.  I had watched a documentary Shania Twain had done when she made her come back a few years ago and I related to her in a lot of ways with things happening in my personal life and this song became my mantra.  Here is one of the lines I love, "Don't give up here, don't you quite.  The moment is now, this is it.  You know that you can then you will, get to the top of the hill.  The part of the fun is the climb you just gotta' make up your mind!"  This song empowers me and reminds me that once you climb that stinkin' mountain the view from the top is worth the step by step struggles and frustrations!  Today, this is the song that pretty much sums up my feelings about this next phase we enter in the morning.  

     I know I will get through because all of you are the ones loving me and my family through this time.  Jared has been incredibly supportive- I know he is my #1 fan.  Right after I was diagnosed through tears he told me, "Michelle, you might have cancer but cancer does not have you!"  I loved those words and I am grateful for all of the words of encouragement from each and every one of you.  Thank you!  Tomorrow our new life.  We are ready to dive in head first and get this journey started so it can be put behind us.

Hugs and Kisses all the way around!!!

Michelle