On my Mind!

Two posts in one day is practically a miracle people!  My mind has been going though and I had some thoughts I wanted to journal, regardless of who might read them- more for myself.

First, here is a pic of my dear friend Angie and I at chemo #3.  She is amazing in so many ways.  Angie lives across the street and is one of the most loyal, loving, kind people I know.  She is such an incredible wife, mother and friend.  She is such an example of patience and generosity.  For months she would bring me bottles of alkaline water every single day, flowers, food, healthy goodies and constantly ask how I was and what she could do.  I adore this girl!

Chemo #4 was with this awesome lady, Lanae!   Lanae is always so fun to be around and always has a great story to tell or insight into life that I hadn't thought of.  Her smile and personality light up a room and she is true to who she is to her very core.  I love that about her!  She works hard and takes pride in all she accomplishes.  Lanae inspires me to be a better person each day.

This round of chemo #4 has been no bueno!  I have felt beaten down and trampled on.  The nausea has been the worst and my fatigue has been pretty bad.  The doctors and nurses recommend any sort of exercise and say it tends to increase energy.  Chemo was Thursday, Monday I decided to put this theory to the test by getting out of bed for a walk around the block.  What should have taken about 10 minutes took about double and half way through my walk I was looking for a bush to go lie underneath for a nap, HA, but I did it!  As each chemo round comes along and my body gets more beaten down, it's really starting to feel the effects.  I have two rounds left and am praying they can be decent rounds.  Because I haven't been feeling well, I have been more emotional.  Those of you who know me well know I am independent, headstrong, my dad would call me stubborn and I don't really like things to get in my way.  As moms, we learn to push through and continue with our lives.  I am not physically able right now to push through, and it's the opposite of what I've always done.  I have felt a lot more restricted the last several days which has caused a lot of frustration.  However, there is always a silver lining.  As I have felt helpless, it has caused me to focus on my relationship with my Savior.  The service our family has received has been incredible and we have received so much- our current situation would be so much more difficult without the support of our incredible ward family and friends, however it doesn't change the fact that this is mine to get through.  No amount of service to our family will change the fact that I am still sick.  It makes all the other aspects of life manageable which has been an incredible gift to our family, but I still have to go through this process on my own.  There is only one person who understands completely and that person is my Savior.  That has brought me so much comfort.  I feel like through this all he has truly become my friend and for that I am so grateful.  

As I was in yoga this morning a song came on, that I have sung to probably more than a hundred times.  It's "Hold On To Me Tonight" by Michael Buble and part of the words are "and in the end when life has got you down you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.  So hold on to me tight...we are stronger here together than we could ever be alone so hold on to me, don't you ever let me go."  I felt so much peace in the song and feel like He has wrapped his arms around me when there isn't anyone else who truly understands.

In life, there are hard things we get to go through so that we can become stronger, more solid individuals.  A friend shared with me the example of the chick.  Sometimes chicks have a difficult time hatching from their eggs.  They peck and peck and it can sometimes be hard for them to get out of the egg.  It would be so easy for someone to just peel back the shell of the egg because it's difficult to see them struggle but it's an essential part of their new life.  Without this struggle, they wouldn't be strong enough to survive once they hatch.  It's no different for us.  Our struggles are essential to our existence and also our growth.  However, as human beings it's difficult to watch others struggle so we do things to try to alleviate any pain or stress.  Although this service is wonderful and so helpful, it doesn't change the fact that suffering sometimes has to take place on our own.  

Recently my mom sent me this wonderful interview on the mormon channel about a woman, DeLayne Dayton.  Several years ago she was a young mother with breast cancer.  Our stories were very similar and I loved listening to it.  The interviewer kept asking DeLayne and her husband the same questions.  "What did you learn from this experience?  How do you live your life differently today?  How did this experience strengthen your testimony and bring you closer to the Savior?  How did this trial strengthen your relationship with your family, spouse, others?"  My thought- those questions need to be applied to each of my trials on a consistent basis so I am progressing.  Sometimes, okay really most of the time I want to just push hard to get through, marking off days and sometimes hours in hopes time will just pass already.  Instead of being mindful of the journey.  Recognizing and appreciating the process for what it is and choosing to grow because of it.  

Today, my focus is to find joy and appreciation for the moment I am in, not to think about yesterday or tomorrow but right now!