Merry CHRIST-mas!

     As I reflect on the meaning of today, Christmas, my heart is full- more full than it has ever been.  I reflect on how this season, in the year 2014 the true meaning of Christmas has been made alive and true in every aspect imaginable in the lives of our little family!  There have been countless individuals who have been Christ's hands on earth, reaching out to help and serve our family this last month.  I typically try to stay on top of writing my "Thank You" notes, but I am so far behind I don't even know where to pick up.  I hope our December's will never be the same again.  It's not about the "stuff" - the true meaning of Christmas is so much more.
     If I were asked to describe what the last few weeks of our lives have been like, I would say "Roller Coaster."  Not a little one, with little bumps and slight curves.  I'm talking a roller coaster like this one.  Lots of crazy twists and turns, highs and lows and some flippety-dips!  I'd say the image below is a pretty accurate image of my recent emotions!  This last week has especially been difficult.

www.enginsoft.com

     My body seems to have been receptive to my first round of chemo and side effects have probably been mild in comparison to others I have heard about, but it has still been rough.  There have been lots of symptoms I was expecting and many others I wasn't at all prepared for.  With booties being all the rage these days, we figured I just fit in and our theme for the week has been "It's All About the Base!"  The base has been one hot miserable mess! lol - However, I still have my hair, even though it has lost it's life and shine, it's still attached to my head...for now!  My wig helmets are patiently waiting for when they will temporarily cover the most obvious sign of my sickness- for my children who for now have shared that they don't want to see me bald.  I get it!    
     Last week as I was heading back to Orange with my mom to receive my white blood booster shot, we passed by Children's Hospital of Orange County - the very same hospital that 8 years earlier our little newborn was rushed to, an hour and-a-half away from where I delivered him with congenital pneumonia (I find it very ironic that this is a stone's throw from where I receive my chemo treatments by the way).  As we drove by, I felt so sad thinking about all the little kids who would be sick in the hospital on Christmas Day.  With our family having received SO much, we wanted to give.  So I made some calls around to Children's Hospitals with cancer treatment centers and asked what we could do.  Chemo bags for teens was the answer we got.  So, I sent a text out to my family and rallied the troops- they have been such an amazing support.  With a days notice, we met, everyone brought tons of supplies and we made about 25 Chemo-Christmas bags for teens.  I love my family!!!

     As life continues forward, I hope my boys and I will never be the same.  I hope this isn't a Christmas that we ever look back on and think, "remember that awful Christmas when mom had breast cancer?"  All of the suffering, heartache and tears would be worth it to me if my family can move forward tomorrow and the next day with the constant reminder that life is sometimes super tough but we were never meant to go it alone.  A dear friend of mine sent me this quote by Jeffrey R. Holland, "Don't you give up.  Don't you quit.  You keep walking.  You keep trying.  There is help and happiness ahead.  It will be all right in the end.  Trust God and believe in good things to come!"  I love that!!! 

Merry Christmas!

6-1=5

     Well today was my first chemo infusion.  It went so great.  I was most concerned that my body would reject the medications with all the crazy things it's been doing the past several months but it didn't and I am so thrilled.  When I arrived in Orange for my apt, the nurses hooked up my IV, gave me some Benedryl with some anti-anxiety medication, which I was very much in need of today!!!  Once that ran through my system they then administered the chemo drugs on a very slow drip to see if my body would accept them.  Thank heavens it did!  Tonight I am still on a Benedryl hang over but I feel great!
     Many people have asked these questions, "What will your treatment be?"  "How on earth did you know you had B.C.?"  So, if you are interested in reading all the B.C. mumbo jumbo below, because maybe you like details like me, knock yourself out :).  Also, the below info is all based off of my understanding and I am by NO means a doctor, so I hope I am accurate in my explanations and understanding!
     "What will my treatments be?"  So the type of cancer I have is Ductal Carcenoma, a very common and very treatable type of breast cancer that starts in the milk duct.  I am Estrogen and Progesterone positive and HER2 negative.  There are four stages of cancer and in each stage there are also stages (a,b...).  Based off of my MRI and my PET Scan, I am either a Stage 2B or 3A.  I might not ever know the exact stage because in the two aforementioned scans, they were measured at two different sizes fitting into the 2B and 3A stages.  Also, because it has spread from the main site to a lymph node it also puts me into one of the two listed stages.  Thus far it doesn't appear that the cancer has metastasized and spread anywhere else but until they get into my body and start removing lymph nodes, we won't know for sure.  Now, within the stages of the cancer there are also levels of aggressiveness.  1 is not aggressive, 2 is moderately aggressive and 3 is very aggressive.  Based off of my tumor biopsy results (which were super NOT awesome), I have been listed as having a level 3 B.C. which also effects my treatments.  I have been prescribed a two drug combination of chemo which will be administered to me every 3 weeks for 6 sessions, (5 now)!  Chemo is given at various levels.  Some are more moderate and others more aggressive, my understanding is that the aggressiveness of your chemo is based off of an individuals stage and level.  With each chemo treatment, I am required to take steriods the day before, day of and day after chemo.  You are also required to get your blood drawn prior to sessions to make sure your body is healthy enough to receive treatment.  The day after chemo a white blood cell shot is highly recommended to boost your immune system.  The good news is that the more aggressive the cancer, typically the more aggressively the cancer responds to the right treatment!  Love that!
     "How on earth did I know I can B.C.?"  So a few months ago I felt a lump and just kind of let it go.  It seemed to hurt a little here and there at certain times throughout the month and I knew from a lot of reading I had done that cancer typically doesn't hurt, that's why it's so difficult to detect- you often don't know it's present in your body.  In July when I had my stent removed from my Kidney Stone fun, I was getting sick every couple of weeks which was very unusual for me.  I blamed it on all the Kidney Stone meds I had to be on for months.  I changed some things with my diet and still I was getting sick so by the end of October/ beginning of November I went in to see my doctor about me being sick so often and the lump.  He suggested I go and get a mammogram which I did within a few days.  The radiology reports came back with a finding that I had a 20% chance there was B.C.  Pretty slim chances I thought, so I wasn't sweating it much but was requested by the radiologist to get an ultrasound and if needed an ultrasound guided biopsy.  It took me some time to get this apt scheduled but finally I got it scheduled the Friday before Thanksgiving, we were leaving to drive to Texas right when I got home.  During the ultrasound, the tech found that two tumors both had blood flowing to them.  If you know much about lumps, you want to see clear fluid flowing through, blood is typically a bad sign that something is wrong.  The radiologist did a biopsy immediately and told me right then and there that it didn't look good, she was very concerned but suggested I go to Texas and enjoy every minute of Thanksgiving with my family and to be ready for a fight when I got home.  I was pretty positive at that point that I had cancer - it's never a good sign when the tech has to grab tissues because she is crying along with you.  It was an awful couple of days waiting for Pathology reports to come back in giving the final word...so more waiting.  I went home and we finished packing up the car to leave for Texas.  It was a long hard drive but I am so thankful we went!  The support we received in Texas from family was incredible.  I can't imagine having been anywhere else at that time in my life.
     As far as what life will look like from here on out, it will be simple.  We will get done the things that need to get done and have already had to let a lot of things go.  Although everyone responds to chemo treatments differently, there are generic side effects that I have been warned about and have been preparing for with the treatment I am receiving.  The first one that I am dreading, is my hair falling out.  It takes about 2 weeks from the first treatment plan.  I'm ready physically for this one, emotionally it will be extremely difficult.  To prepare for this stage, I decided to get a shorter hair cut and I have gathered some wigs and lots of hats.  I refuse to let this cancer take me down so once it starts to fall, I plan to shave it.  I have been told to expect that with the particular chemo I will be receiving, day two after my chemo sess, flu-like symptoms hit and the nausea and body aches let up just before the next round begins.  This apparently takes on a cumulative effect as I proceed with each treatment.  I don't tend to get nauseaus easily so I'm hoping it won't be that bad, but I should know by Friday.  After my sessions, which will end around March or April my body gets a month to recover before I go in for surgery.  I have a genetic test currently in the lab to determine if I am BRCA 2 positive.  This gene runs in my family.  With me getting B.C. at such a young age, it is highly possible I have this gene and will hopefully hear soon.  What the BRCA 2 gene means is that I am much more susceptible to Breast and Ovarian Cancers than the average person who doesn't carry the gene.  It means when I my boys are old enough to get the test done themselves, they will be tested and there are things that can be done to avoid continuing to pass this gene to future generations.  If I am BRCA 2 positive, my reconstruction will be much more involved than if it comes back as BRCA 2 negative.  The positive side = medically necessary tummy tuck and new twins!
     Of all the things I am learning, as much as I love to feel like I have some sort of control, most of this is completely out of my hands.  I have control over my persistence, educating myself, finding who I deem as good doctors to help guide and "fix" me but the rest of this is completely in the Lord's hands.  I have been promised blessing after blessing that I will pull through, I will be able to raise my boys and live a happy life but there will be a lot of work involved.  Another promise I have received is that I will be stronger when I am on the other end of this trial.  I feel peace and comfort in knowing there are people all over this nation, and in other countries praying for me, fasting for me, rosaries, friends of all different faiths- many I have never even met praying for me.  This brings me so much peace.  During all of my doctor appointments, I haven't ever seen anyone in the waiting room even remotely close to my age.  B.C. is totally like an older woman's disease and it would be easy for me to question, "Why me?"  Well, why not me?  Cancer is no respecter of persons.  It chooses anyone it wants to.  Little children, it takes the lives of teenagers, it grows inside of people of all ages, races, backgrounds and religions.  It's what we choose to do with what we are given that is the test.
     A few days ago I got a call from the boys school counselor.  On a message he was having a very difficult time spitting out what he was trying to say and the message was long and drawn out.  He ended up saying "It has come to our attention that your boys have disclosed to their teachers that someone in your home has been diagnosed with a terminal disease...I don't know if this is old news or not but we would like to offer our services to talk with your children."   Later when we spoke, he let me know he wanted to help our kids but wouldn't be able to share with me the things they shared with him.  I get the whole HIPPA and privacy thing but if the real interest is in the well-being of the child, why can't two open and honest adults have a real conversation about what is best for the kids.  Not sure where that one will lead but it seems so wrong and backwards to me.  Sometimes I wish I could be knocked out and woken up in April, it's hibernating season right!
     Today, I fight and tomorrow I will fight again.  If life were easy, it wouldn't be worth it.  Having something to fight for makes like sweet!  So, 1 session down, 5 to go!  It has begun!

The last day of my PRIOR life!

     Many people who have walked the path I am starting down have told me, "Your life will never be the same again!"  This statement could be taken one of two ways, I'm sticking to the thought that me and my family will be stronger at the end of this than when we started.  That would be awesome!  I know trials can either tear us down or make us stronger.  As life continues day in and day out, my goal isn't to be any less of a person, in fact each day I would love to be a little bit better and stronger.  So, as I thought about this, the last day of my PRIOR life (because tomorrow morning we enter a new life) the only thing on my bucket list was to go here:
   

     The peace, comfort, knowledge and beauty found within these walls is unlike any other place on earth I have ever experienced.  As I was sitting in the celestial room, I silently prayed, trying hard to fight back a huge wave of emotion and tears!  I prayed that my body will receive and positively respond to all of the medications, especially the chemo, I prayed that my boys wouldn't suffer too much but have stronger testimonies as a result, I prayed that I will be strong enough and healthy enough to fight!  As I was heading back to the dressing room, walking down the grand staircase, I asked for some sort of confirmation that things would be okay.  Then, a tender mercy - there have been SO many!  Debbie Spackman, my second mom growing up.  Her daughter Holly and I were connected at the hip growing up and we did just about everything together.  People thought we were sisters.  I loved being at Holly's home and I adore Debbie and Ken.  Over the Thanksgiving holiday when I shared my "B.C." news with Holly, we barely missed being able to see each other and Holly didn't take the news well!  So today as I was descending the stairs, Debbie exited a door to walk up the stairs.  The second I saw her I was overcome with emotion.  We embraced for a while and I started crying- like the ugly embarrassing cry.  I felt like if I couldn't see Holly, her mom was the next best thing.  That was a sweet moment.  It was at that point I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I, Michelle Johnson am only one person, but my Heavenly Father knows me and is completely aware of me and my needs.  I don't know how He knows all, but my heart is full of so much love and gratitude!  

     This is something that has been on my mind this last week.  For those of you who know me well, you know I love music!  Music is food for the soul.  Music is a way of expressing our emotions when words cannot.  If I had the choice of being blind of deaf, I would choose to be blind because I just can't imagine not being able to hear and sing all of the music that fills my life and seems to complete my days!  I have been thinking a lot about how my married life especially could be documented with songs.  When Jared and I were married in 2000, the song was "Cowboy Take Me Away" by Dixie Chicks.  I love everything about this song.  When I hear it to this day I can't keep from singing it at the top of my lungs and dancing around the room.  It takes me away to a dreamy place far far away!  When I had Hayden in 2004, the song that would describe my child bearing years is "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Celine Dion.  I still cry every time I hear this song.  I picture myself holding each of my new born babies and the sweet heavenly spirit they have brought into our home.  However, the song was a little different with #3, Brady.  Brady was an unexpected surprise and I found myself playing the song, "Thankful" haha, by Josh Groban over and over and over...and over, and just bawling almost every time, working on convincing myself that being pregnant was a blessing, something that I needed to be able to embrace.  I can't imagine my life without him and today I know that God had a greater plan in sending him to our family right when he did!  During a rough patch in our marriage a few years ago, the song that I love to this day is called "Today is The Day" by Shania Twain.  I had watched a documentary Shania Twain had done when she made her come back a few years ago and I related to her in a lot of ways with things happening in my personal life and this song became my mantra.  Here is one of the lines I love, "Don't give up here, don't you quite.  The moment is now, this is it.  You know that you can then you will, get to the top of the hill.  The part of the fun is the climb you just gotta' make up your mind!"  This song empowers me and reminds me that once you climb that stinkin' mountain the view from the top is worth the step by step struggles and frustrations!  Today, this is the song that pretty much sums up my feelings about this next phase we enter in the morning.  

     I know I will get through because all of you are the ones loving me and my family through this time.  Jared has been incredibly supportive- I know he is my #1 fan.  Right after I was diagnosed through tears he told me, "Michelle, you might have cancer but cancer does not have you!"  I loved those words and I am grateful for all of the words of encouragement from each and every one of you.  Thank you!  Tomorrow our new life.  We are ready to dive in head first and get this journey started so it can be put behind us.

Hugs and Kisses all the way around!!!

Michelle

Pink it is!

     When I was growing up, I always despised pink and anything girly.  No lace, no frills and definitely no tea parties!  With 4 brothers, I was pretty much a tom-boy.  Since I didn't have any sisters to steal clothes from, I stole them from my big brother, Jonathan.  He would get so mad at me for taking his shirts from his closet after he had left the house for early morning seminary.  We didn't fight about a whole lot (until we both had to share the same car in High School), but I loved his shirts.  My friends weren't really the girly-kind-of girls either.  We would have belching contests, blue darts (haha), and play pranks on others.  We had so much fun!  I always thought the girly side of me could and would be reserved for when I had a family of my own...with girls of course.  I had my girls names picked out and a stash of clothes I had collected over the years.  If I wasn't blessed with sisters of my own, surely I would at least have one daughter.  Well, fast forward 14 years of marriage and...still no girls.  Just more boys to add to the mix.  It's taken me some time to be okay with this reality.  For a little while we had some hens and female dogs to help even things out a bit.  They are all gone now and it's just me with my boys.
     For 11 years, my favorite color has been blue, representative of my 3 little men.  However, as my life has shifted the last few years, the reality of more children has slipped away from my future, I am forever grateful for the sister figures I do have in my life.  As I have come to accept my life, the things we can change, and all that we cannot - I am grateful for all the boys in my life.  They are strong, wise, and carefree, loving and accepting and so far, my brothers have married some pretty awesome wives and Jared has some pretty incredible sisters!
     The last few years of our lives can be likened to a hurdle race.  Since about 2008, we have had hurdle after hurdle.  Sometimes Jared and I have knocked a hurdle or two down but we have always gotten back up, brushed ourselves off and continued the race.  The hurdles began when Jared lost his job during the economic crashed of 2008.  Just six months before we had purchased our very first home - we had been saving for years to purchase.  With Jared losing his job, like so many others, we sought for a loan modification.  After almost 20 months of trial payments and Jared working for hours and hours, week after week, being told conflicting stories of where we were in the process and weekly "we misplaced your paperwork, can you fax it AGAIN," we finally received a foreclosure notification and were faced with the decision to walk away or file for chapter 13 bankruptcy.  We opted to keep our home. Looking back, when we were in the thick of the trials, it seemed as if nothing was going right.  We now see that we were led and guided decision after decision by Heavenly Father and may be even better off with the house than if we hadn't gone through it.
      Those were two major hurdles, and many many more since then have slowed our pace.  But, life continues and we are still in the race!
     Our newest hurdle is breast cancer!  We believe we've got this one too.  The blue has been replaced with pink and I love it!  Pink everything!  I would paint the outside of my house pink if the HOA and neighbors would allow for it :), really I would!  In fact, some wonderful neighbors came and surprised me with pink Christmas lights all over my house, and I have the most beautiful pink wreath hanging outside.  I love pink!  I love the strength and power it represents.  All the women who have gone before me, a glittery blazing pink breast cancer path.  I will add my pink sparkle to the trail and come out victorious!  I'm not really okay with the alternative option!
     Jared and I have been overcome with emotion as we reflect on all the people in our lives who have stepped forward to carry us at this time.  I have lots of pictures I will post over the coming weeks but the prayers, love, cards, flowers, gifts, hugs, food, babysitting, house decorating, house cleaning, donations- everything has boosted us in ways I can't begin to describe.  Our hearts are full and I feel like I have an army of earthly and heavenly angels standing beside me!  Pink is awesome!  Pink is power!  Pink is my favorite!  My boys are proud to wear pink.  My 8 year old Carson wants to wear his pink shirt every day!  For Jared, a day rarely goes by without him wearing pink somewhere; a pink shirt, pink socks, he even went down to Wal-mart to buy pink fabric swatches to make pink pocket squares.  He was the one who went and found all the pink for our family picture above - and in Texas, where pink and boys does not mix - but he did it for me.
     So after the tests, scans, blood draws, and painful biopsy's, on Wednesday December 17th I start my first of 6 rounds (every 3 weeks) of chemotherapy.  I can't say I am looking forward to this, I just know that the only way to get it behind me is to start.
     My pink boxing gloves are on and I will "Fight Like A Girl" because I have 4 of the best reasons to!  Their names are Jared, Hayden, Carson and Brady.  This is my story.  I hope you like stories with a good ending, (no rooting for the underdog here) because my story will be one of victory!