Today I had someone come up to church and tell me, "I currently have your name on the prayer rolls of 4 temples!"  Every time someone tells me something like that, I get emotional.  Many countless others have told me, "Your name is mentioned in every single one of our family prayers."  I feel so blessed and so grateful.  I think if there is a recurring feeling over the last 6 months, it's been GRATEFUL!  People of all faiths, strangers, and dear friends and family praying, fasting, pleading for me.  Thank you!

Here is Chemo #5.

I got to spend the day with these awesome ladies, Heidi and Holly.  Heidi has taken me to many chemo's and I have loved them.  Holly flew down from Utah to join us.  We had a great time hanging out together.  I love these girls like sisters.

After chemo 5 a really amazing thing happened.  Holly was just in town for a few days and ironically the night of chemo I got a message from two of our high school besties.  We were practically inseparable in high school!  Sara happened to be in town from New York and so a little spur of the moment reunion took place.  It was THE best night!  We laughed, caught up and reminisced about high school.  Here we are then and now...

 

Right before chemo #6, we had such a treat.  This year we celebrate 30 years of going to Balboa Island with our beach buddies, the Bayards.  We have grown up together and look forward to Balboa as our favorite vacation every single year.  Between our two families, we have grown to about 32 people.  Imagine 32 people crammed into a 6 bedroom beach house on quiet little Balboa Island.  (We bring the party with us and also lots of attention and yes, we have been un-invited to return to some of the beach houses we have stayed in).  The minute we leave the beach, the count down begins for the following year.  The stories we tell each time we are together never get old and we spend our time laughing and reminiscing.  After I was diagnosed, sweet mama Randy told me they wanted to come down and bring us Easter.  It was an Easter I won't ever forget!  The kids and most of the adults went to Legoland Friday then Saturday was an Easter Egg hunt and of course, the beach.  The moments were precious and our kids have such a great time together.

Chemo #6 was pretty uneventful.  Jared took me down for my last chemo and I slept the entire time.  It was a wonderful 4 hour nap!

As chemo 6 approached, many asked if I was so excited to be done with chemo.  I wasn't sure how to answer this question.  It was odd.  I wanted to be excited but the road ahead seems so long that it was difficult to be.  However, when they took out my IV, I have to say I felt way more elated and so happy to be done with this phase of my journey!  I hope and pray I never have to go through chemo ever again!  It's gross.  The effects will stay with me for months, some even possibly the rest of my life.  I have neuropathy in my fingers and toes that may or may not last forever more, as well as neuropathy now on my face.  I'm praying that full feeling returns eventually.  Chemo has done a number on my nails as well.  After chemo 5, my nails started to ache.  That has since intensified and I am anticipating some of my nails will most likely fall off.  My finger tips are extremely sore and sensitive.  As far as other long term effects, we will just have to wait and see.  

A few days after chemo #6, there were two awesome RAGNAR teams that ran in my honor.  I felt so touched they did this for me.  One of the teams I had started putting together prior to being diagnosed.  I was so disappointed not to be able to run with them but so touched at their outpouring of support.  They were "Team Michelle."

This team was made up of many people I didn't know and several that I did.  They had such a blast and even placed decently well in their division.

The other team that ran for me was a group of my friends here from Temecula.  They decided on the team name "Saving Second Base!"  They seemed to have a blast as well.  Such a fun group of people.  It was really fun to hear how they used their team name from decorating to "kills".  I wish I could have seen them in action.  

THE NEXT STEP...

It's all about the parties so we are having a farewell party, Ta-ta to the Ta-ta's.  It's going to be great and I can't wait.  Instead of sitting around and waiting for May 5 to come, I decided looking forward to a party would be a whole lot more fun.  Since I have such incredible people in my life to help pull this off, it's going to be a blast and I CANNOT WAIT!  Dance music, delicious food and amazing people around me.  Those are basically the necessities of life.  A few days later is surgery time.  This will be the next big step that will last a while.  If I end up needing to have radiation (we should know after surgery) then reconstruction could be postponed for several months.

So, that's about all for now.  Summer is around the corner and there are so many blessings in my life that I am so grateful for.  My journey is far from over but I'm glad to be 6 months in and feeling good. xoxo

On my Mind!

Two posts in one day is practically a miracle people!  My mind has been going though and I had some thoughts I wanted to journal, regardless of who might read them- more for myself.

First, here is a pic of my dear friend Angie and I at chemo #3.  She is amazing in so many ways.  Angie lives across the street and is one of the most loyal, loving, kind people I know.  She is such an incredible wife, mother and friend.  She is such an example of patience and generosity.  For months she would bring me bottles of alkaline water every single day, flowers, food, healthy goodies and constantly ask how I was and what she could do.  I adore this girl!

Chemo #4 was with this awesome lady, Lanae!   Lanae is always so fun to be around and always has a great story to tell or insight into life that I hadn't thought of.  Her smile and personality light up a room and she is true to who she is to her very core.  I love that about her!  She works hard and takes pride in all she accomplishes.  Lanae inspires me to be a better person each day.

This round of chemo #4 has been no bueno!  I have felt beaten down and trampled on.  The nausea has been the worst and my fatigue has been pretty bad.  The doctors and nurses recommend any sort of exercise and say it tends to increase energy.  Chemo was Thursday, Monday I decided to put this theory to the test by getting out of bed for a walk around the block.  What should have taken about 10 minutes took about double and half way through my walk I was looking for a bush to go lie underneath for a nap, HA, but I did it!  As each chemo round comes along and my body gets more beaten down, it's really starting to feel the effects.  I have two rounds left and am praying they can be decent rounds.  Because I haven't been feeling well, I have been more emotional.  Those of you who know me well know I am independent, headstrong, my dad would call me stubborn and I don't really like things to get in my way.  As moms, we learn to push through and continue with our lives.  I am not physically able right now to push through, and it's the opposite of what I've always done.  I have felt a lot more restricted the last several days which has caused a lot of frustration.  However, there is always a silver lining.  As I have felt helpless, it has caused me to focus on my relationship with my Savior.  The service our family has received has been incredible and we have received so much- our current situation would be so much more difficult without the support of our incredible ward family and friends, however it doesn't change the fact that this is mine to get through.  No amount of service to our family will change the fact that I am still sick.  It makes all the other aspects of life manageable which has been an incredible gift to our family, but I still have to go through this process on my own.  There is only one person who understands completely and that person is my Savior.  That has brought me so much comfort.  I feel like through this all he has truly become my friend and for that I am so grateful.  

As I was in yoga this morning a song came on, that I have sung to probably more than a hundred times.  It's "Hold On To Me Tonight" by Michael Buble and part of the words are "and in the end when life has got you down you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.  So hold on to me tight...we are stronger here together than we could ever be alone so hold on to me, don't you ever let me go."  I felt so much peace in the song and feel like He has wrapped his arms around me when there isn't anyone else who truly understands.

In life, there are hard things we get to go through so that we can become stronger, more solid individuals.  A friend shared with me the example of the chick.  Sometimes chicks have a difficult time hatching from their eggs.  They peck and peck and it can sometimes be hard for them to get out of the egg.  It would be so easy for someone to just peel back the shell of the egg because it's difficult to see them struggle but it's an essential part of their new life.  Without this struggle, they wouldn't be strong enough to survive once they hatch.  It's no different for us.  Our struggles are essential to our existence and also our growth.  However, as human beings it's difficult to watch others struggle so we do things to try to alleviate any pain or stress.  Although this service is wonderful and so helpful, it doesn't change the fact that suffering sometimes has to take place on our own.  

Recently my mom sent me this wonderful interview on the mormon channel about a woman, DeLayne Dayton.  Several years ago she was a young mother with breast cancer.  Our stories were very similar and I loved listening to it.  The interviewer kept asking DeLayne and her husband the same questions.  "What did you learn from this experience?  How do you live your life differently today?  How did this experience strengthen your testimony and bring you closer to the Savior?  How did this trial strengthen your relationship with your family, spouse, others?"  My thought- those questions need to be applied to each of my trials on a consistent basis so I am progressing.  Sometimes, okay really most of the time I want to just push hard to get through, marking off days and sometimes hours in hopes time will just pass already.  Instead of being mindful of the journey.  Recognizing and appreciating the process for what it is and choosing to grow because of it.  

Today, my focus is to find joy and appreciation for the moment I am in, not to think about yesterday or tomorrow but right now!

Music, the Food of Love

Today is the day of chemo #4 and I am awake early and unable to go back to bed (actually posting a week late).  Partially because of a little anxiety, partially because I am going to squeeze in one more early morning workout before being home bound and bedridden the next few days and partially because I can't stop thinking about this post.

Last week I had a very sweet opportunity.  A dear friend of mine, Mary Tavano passed away at the amazing age of 98 years.  Mary was someone that lived a few houses down the street from me in Fallbrook from the time I was in 5th - 12th grade.  She would babysit us when my parents would go on their many vacations and I saw her every Sunday at church.  Mary and I had a quiet little joke that only short people like her and I would understand.  I think she really loved me because for a little while there Mary was taller than ME at about 4'11' until I passed her up somewhere in high school by about 2 inches.  It was a pretty big deal when I grew taller than Mary as there weren't any other adults I can think of (maybe Sonia Hayden) that I was taller than.  I was very excited!  Every Sunday, or any time I saw Mary, she always gave me such a warm "hello" and kiss on the cheek.  When I started having kids of my own my mom and I would find opportunities to go and visit with her.  She never let us leave empty handed and always made sure she had a treat for my kids.  My kids loved Grandma Mary and so did I.

Her son Bob and his wife, Karen took care of Mary for the last 20 years mostly in their own home, until the last several years when her health began to decline.  Bob had let Jared know a few days before her passing that her sweet little body was shutting down and she wouldn't make it but a few more days.  He let him know the tentative date for her "Celebration of Life" service and said Grandma Mary had written out her program the year prior and had my name listed as a musical selection.  I felt honored to accept the invitation.  It was such a beautiful service and I felt so grateful to be able to take a part in celebrating sweet Mary's life in such a personal way.

February 7, 2015 Mermaid Run, San Diego
On another note, this is old news but I still hadn't posted a picture yet on my blog.  Back in October, prior to my B.C. diagnosis, I signed up for a half-marathon.  In January I realized the half was not going to happen, and I was okay with that.  Disappointed, but at peace.  I had a decision to either drop out altogether or change to a 5K, which I did.  Here we are after the race.  It was a beautiful day in so many wonderful ways, surrounded by amazing friends (and lots of garbage as you can see :) and my boys!  A day I will never forget.

I love this quote:

"OPTIMISM: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha!  

Happy dancing!