Big Miracles and Tender Mercies

A few weeks ago, some of my girlfriends and I were each having some pretty huge struggles of some sort in our lives.  Long group texts would be flying at all hours of the day/ night.  It wasn't uncommon to get a text at 2 am, "Are you awake?  I can't sleep!" during those few weeks.  It was odd that usually one of us was indeed awake to text back and forth.  During that time, I was having some of my own struggles, mostly of trying to let go of the things I couldn't control.  The serenity prayer literally was running through my head non-stop for a week.

                         "God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
                                              The COURAGE to change the things I can,
                                               and the WISDOM to know the difference."

Each time I recited it, I felt so much peace.  At that time, there were some pretty big things in my life that felt completely out of my control and the more I tried to control them, the more crazy I felt I was becoming.  I don't know about you, but sometimes I need to be reminded that I have Faith!  Where there is faith, fear is cast out.  Where was my faith?  Another friend reminded me to "Let Go and Let God!"  I love this saying.  When we turn things over to Him and accept that He is in charge, we get our lives, peace, and serenity back.  Then and only then do we actually take back control by handing it over...accepting the things we cannot change.  Oddly enough I had been meaning to make myself a "God" can to put things in that I was prepared to surrender.  Without a word between us, a dear friend, Beach Mama Randy, sent me a "God" can this week where I have already added those things I am choosing to surrender.  I know this was not a coincidence.

With the serenity prayer in my head, this helped prepare me to better accept a trial that was right around the corner - such a tender mercy!

Last Thursday marked my half-way mark for chemo treatments.  I'm learning to not get my hopes up and that nothing is for sure...nothing, especially not chemo.  It is bitter-sweet in that my chemo plans could still change and did the week prior.  I had been breaking out in hives for some time, which is a common side effect of one of the chemo drugs I was prescribed.  Due to the hives, my chemo was pushed while my Doc had another medication approved.  Upon needing to switch medications, it completely altered my entire chemo schedule by adding 12 new sessions.  This sent me a little into freak-out mode as this new schedule would change things for me in a big way (needing to get a port, extra months of chemo, surgery prolonged, new and very ugly side effects...).  I was pretty upset about this new plan and decided I was going to start calling other Oncologists to get second opinions as everything about it just felt wrong to me and this news was far from what I had been hoping to receive.  In addition I had an ultrasound to check on the little boogers and they seemed to be having a "mild response to treatment".  That's not such a fun thing to hear when you know you have an aggressive form of Breast Cancer.  The whole intent and purpose on doing chemo prior to surgery is to shrink the cancer tumors to make the surgery go smooth and to prevent any spreading at surgery time.  So chemo needed to be more aggressive, according to Mr. Doc.

That Thursday, I made a phone call to my aunt who had recently gone through Breast Cancer and got her Oncologist number...he wouldn't give a second opinion and couldn't even see me for weeks.  I had a few days to figure things out and didn't know where else to turn.  I felt scared, frustrated and a little hopeless.  The serenity prayer played on in my mind and I started to feel peace and turned it over.  Aside from some phone calls in the small amount of time I had, I couldn't do a whole lot else.  I felt like things would work out.  If this was the course I needed to take for a lifetime of health with my boys, what's 12 more weeks?

The weekend was a very long weekend and I did a lot of thinking, reading and praying.  Saturday morning, my mom and I went to the temple.  I took with me a prayer that I would be able to have clarity and be given direction with what to do regarding this new treatment plan.  I felt so much peace.  Sunday was Fast Sunday, and for the first time in a few months, I fasted.  I felt so much gratitude as I knew others were fasting and praying for me as well.  I still felt dis-heartened by the prospect of what Monday would bring and the changed and uncertain new path that had been laid out.  12 weeks longer, which felt like an eternity and the huge uncertainty of how my body would respond to new Chemo drugs.  Did I mention the port?  HA- I really didn't want to have to get a port into my chest!  Monday came along and I was able to go with my two amigos, Nikole and Heidi to chemo.  They make the time so fun!  My doctor came in and was asking me some more questions about my hives.  We had gone over it many times on the phone, but he wanted to make sure he understood perfectly my reaction.  He then left and called my radiologist who had performed my ultrasound the week prior to get the computer generated results (aka much more accurate, not just the eye-ball results).  When Doc came back into my room to read me the results, they were much better than anticipated, and I could tell he was excited.  It was so cute.  There was a 20% reduction versus a 10% reduction in size after only 2 treatments, which he said was "excellent".  He then proceeded to ask me if I can handle hives because if they didn't get worse, he wanted to keep me on the same course of treatment if possible. (I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure Nikole hit her knees in an "hallelujah" praise, lol!  I might be making that up, but we were all very excited and relieved).  My response was a resounding YES!  To have only 3 treatments left and an excellent chemo response- I could be fully supportive of that decision!  I knew it was a miracle - no coincidences here.  This experience was such a reminder to me that, my Father in Heaven knows me.  He knows my fears and those things weighing heavy on my heart and he is aware of me personally.  In a world filled with billions of people - he knew my need.  Through my faith and the faith of family and friends, he answered our humble prayer.  I won't ever forget that!  Our prayers are never to small, silly, insignificant or big for him to hear and answer.  I know things don't always turn out how we hope or anticipate but there is a bigger picture that you and I need to trust that He is in charge.  If we can exercise our faith and turn it over to Him, I think our lives would be filled with so much meaning.

I'm so thankful for the daily tender mercies and miracles that happen daily in our lives.  Feel free to share any of yours below!  XOXO

Check - Check

     Last week was chemo session #2.  In some ways it went better than the last and in other ways it has been more difficult than session #1.  Overall, I feel like it was a success and I'm so grateful it's behind us!  I was so excited to spend the day with two of my favorite childhood friends.  It was such a treat, filled with laughter and chatter!

       In order to focus on myself and help with healing my body, I have literally let everything in my life go that isn't necessary.  Life before breast cancer was filled with busy-ness!  I was always on the go, always working on either a project, cleaning, organizing, meal prepping, volunteering, teaching music or prepping for lessons, working on hobbies, helping with church... I was an "over-doer" and I was okay with that.  I thrived on being busy and loved it.  My prior life was ruled by my calendar of events and check-off lists.  These last few weeks all of that has been cleared.  It's been an interesting adjustment and I've had a lot of time to think about all the things I filled my time with, for what?  Why did I have such a need to keep myself busy and always going?  With everything stripped away, I've realized that the most important people right in front of me had somehow been pushed aside to the sidelines.  When we fill our lives with activities, I think that sometimes we are trying to fill a void, I was.  I'm grateful for this extended vacation I am on and for the boys in my life, standing beside me.  Our new reality is still sinking in as we all continue to adjust our lives to make it through these next several months.  I've noticed my time table has shifted some and I measure the weeks and months by Wednesdays and chemo sessions completed and those still remaining. Although April 1 (my last chemo session, and certainly not the end of this journey) can't come soon enough, my hope is that I won't spend the days wishing them away- there's too much to be savored.

     Right after my diagnosis in November, I shared with my friends and family that I felt things are as they should be.  I think the comment came across as odd to many people.  As much as I wish I didn't have breast cancer, and as hard as it was for me to hear those words, I also wasn't surprised and haven't spent a minute angry about it.  Throughout my life, whenever I have been faced with a difficult challenge, I have, so thankfully, always first received an impression/ warning about it previously.  I feel so grateful that I have a Heavenly Father that knows me well enough and realizes and respects the fact that I don't like surprises!!!  We must have made some sort of agreement before I was born!  Last February I distinctly recall where I was when the impression came to me "some hard trials are coming ahead!"  I felt like the trials would be very difficult but we would make it through.  At the end of April, I started having some pretty severe stomach and back pain and ended up with an awful case of kidney stones.  Two surgical procedures and about 10 weeks later two of the stones were gone but the time spent on tons of meds and unable to do a whole lot of anything physical left me in pretty bad shape.  The week after I got my stent removed for my stones, I felt a lump and another impression that my health battle had only just begun.  Jared and I have been married for 14 years and during that time, I have verbalized to him and had a strong feeling "I wouldn't be surprised if I get Breast Cancer at some point in my life!"  Breast Cancer has been very prevalent on my father's side of the family and in recent years, we have learned that a rare gene, BRCA 2 runs in our family, which I recently discovered I am a carrier.  The BRCA 2 gene give a woman a highly increased percentage of developing breast and ovarian cancer.  My boys are not exempt, 50% of my offspring will carry the gene and have a high probability of developing other types of cancer during their lifetime.  When they are older we will have them tested and preventative measures in place to hopefully catch any developing cancers.

     In addition to the promptings and impressions I received before this ordeal that helped to prepare me, Jared and I have spent the last year in some very intense personal and couples counseling.  I am so grateful the stars aligned this time last year when we started an incredible program that has helped us sort and work through about 10 years of "marriage yuck!"  The time for breast cancer wouldn't have been as well received even just a year ago, in fact it would have been disastrous to our family. The one thing I continue thinking is, if our family can be stronger at the end of this, it will have all been worth it.  There have been so many wonderful people placed in my life, Jared's career which allows him flexibility, an incredibly supportive ward and so many friends and family.  My heart is full with nothing but gratitude for the many blessings in my life.   

   This song, has brought me so much peace over the last several weeks and it always comes on Pandora at exactly the time I need it to remind me of the greater reason for our trials.  The words of the chorus say:

"What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears!  What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know you're near!  What if trials in this life are your mercies in disguise!"  

     So, that is how I am choosing to look at this trial, it's my mercy in disguise.  If I will allow for the molding to take place, if I will submit my heart to Him, if we come out stronger as individuals and as a family in the end - this trial will have been a blessing!

If you would like to watch the You Tube video of "Blessings" here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

This has been a somber week!  I have watched day by day my hair falling out since last Monday. Right after I received my B.C. diagnosis, I made the decision, the same day - losing my hair was going to be very difficult and I refused to watch long strands of my hair fall out on its own.  I would buzz it.  Last Monday when the realization came that my hair was beginning to fall out (2 days before my doctor said it would - and believe me every day counted so I wasn't quite ready for the falling out to happen 2 days early!), my family was out of town visiting relatives in Utah.  Knowing this would be a big week for me, I opted to stay home.  The decision was bitter sweet.  

Realizing that shaving my head would be near impossible to do on my own, I asked a sweet friend of mine, Amy to do it for me.  So through shaky hands, some tears, loud music and laughter, huddled in my bathroom were Amy and a few other friends giving me such remarkable support.  I probably felt the most vulnerable I have ever felt in all my life.  The vision of a shaved head isn't the way I would want anyone to remember me but I knew these girls wouldn't judge me.  Kami make sure the mirror was covered so I didn't have to see myself until I was ready.  I avoided mirrors and shadows all day, (until I had to use the restroom at 3 am and forgot my hat...oops...there I was, a bald headed woman, almost unrecognizable to myself).  The girls refused to let me touch my hair or pick up any strands and insisted they bag a little bit of hair, in case in the future I wanted it as a momento.

What I hadn't previously thought through was that losing my hair would be a process.  Apparently I had imagined my hair would all fall out at once, magically - poof!  Nope, it has taken a week and it still isn't all out.  I'm almost there, but not quite brave enough to go bald yet, not even inside my house with my kids around.  I will get there!  

Last week I was checking out at the grocery store and was asked the typical "how are you?"  I was tempted to be honest, throw my hoody back and remove my hat to show the clerk how I really am doing, but I didn't.  I was able to suppress the tears and say "I'm okay- I'm ready for the season to be over!"  Yes, I said that.  As much as I have loved this Christmas season, I feel ready to move on.  I feel ready to face the fight and recovery that is facing 2015 and move towards healing!  

So, here is to a new year!  A new beginning and putting our past in our behind (or behind us, whatever your preference)!  May 2015 be all we hope and whatever we make it.  A fresh start, a new chance to do those things that have been put off and if you/we fail... start over tomorrow because we can and it's okay!