A few weeks ago, some of my girlfriends and I were each having some pretty huge struggles of some sort in our lives. Long group texts would be flying at all hours of the day/ night. It wasn't uncommon to get a text at 2 am, "Are you awake? I can't sleep!" during those few weeks. It was odd that usually one of us was indeed awake to text back and forth. During that time, I was having some of my own struggles, mostly of trying to let go of the things I couldn't control. The serenity prayer literally was running through my head non-stop for a week.
"God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things I can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference."
Each time I recited it, I felt so much peace. At that time, there were some pretty big things in my life that felt completely out of my control and the more I tried to control them, the more crazy I felt I was becoming. I don't know about you, but sometimes I need to be reminded that I have Faith! Where there is faith, fear is cast out. Where was my faith? Another friend reminded me to "Let Go and Let God!" I love this saying. When we turn things over to Him and accept that He is in charge, we get our lives, peace, and serenity back. Then and only then do we actually take back control by handing it over...accepting the things we cannot change. Oddly enough I had been meaning to make myself a "God" can to put things in that I was prepared to surrender. Without a word between us, a dear friend, Beach Mama Randy, sent me a "God" can this week where I have already added those things I am choosing to surrender. I know this was not a coincidence.
With the serenity prayer in my head, this helped prepare me to better accept a trial that was right around the corner - such a tender mercy!
Last Thursday marked my half-way mark for chemo treatments. I'm learning to not get my hopes up and that nothing is for sure...nothing, especially not chemo. It is bitter-sweet in that my chemo plans could still change and did the week prior. I had been breaking out in hives for some time, which is a common side effect of one of the chemo drugs I was prescribed. Due to the hives, my chemo was pushed while my Doc had another medication approved. Upon needing to switch medications, it completely altered my entire chemo schedule by adding 12 new sessions. This sent me a little into freak-out mode as this new schedule would change things for me in a big way (needing to get a port, extra months of chemo, surgery prolonged, new and very ugly side effects...). I was pretty upset about this new plan and decided I was going to start calling other Oncologists to get second opinions as everything about it just felt wrong to me and this news was far from what I had been hoping to receive. In addition I had an ultrasound to check on the little boogers and they seemed to be having a "mild response to treatment". That's not such a fun thing to hear when you know you have an aggressive form of Breast Cancer. The whole intent and purpose on doing chemo prior to surgery is to shrink the cancer tumors to make the surgery go smooth and to prevent any spreading at surgery time. So chemo needed to be more aggressive, according to Mr. Doc.
That Thursday, I made a phone call to my aunt who had recently gone through Breast Cancer and got her Oncologist number...he wouldn't give a second opinion and couldn't even see me for weeks. I had a few days to figure things out and didn't know where else to turn. I felt scared, frustrated and a little hopeless. The serenity prayer played on in my mind and I started to feel peace and turned it over. Aside from some phone calls in the small amount of time I had, I couldn't do a whole lot else. I felt like things would work out. If this was the course I needed to take for a lifetime of health with my boys, what's 12 more weeks?
The weekend was a very long weekend and I did a lot of thinking, reading and praying. Saturday morning, my mom and I went to the temple. I took with me a prayer that I would be able to have clarity and be given direction with what to do regarding this new treatment plan. I felt so much peace. Sunday was Fast Sunday, and for the first time in a few months, I fasted. I felt so much gratitude as I knew others were fasting and praying for me as well. I still felt dis-heartened by the prospect of what Monday would bring and the changed and uncertain new path that had been laid out. 12 weeks longer, which felt like an eternity and the huge uncertainty of how my body would respond to new Chemo drugs. Did I mention the port? HA- I really didn't want to have to get a port into my chest! Monday came along and I was able to go with my two amigos, Nikole and Heidi to chemo. They make the time so fun! My doctor came in and was asking me some more questions about my hives. We had gone over it many times on the phone, but he wanted to make sure he understood perfectly my reaction. He then left and called my radiologist who had performed my ultrasound the week prior to get the computer generated results (aka much more accurate, not just the eye-ball results). When Doc came back into my room to read me the results, they were much better than anticipated, and I could tell he was excited. It was so cute. There was a 20% reduction versus a 10% reduction in size after only 2 treatments, which he said was "excellent". He then proceeded to ask me if I can handle hives because if they didn't get worse, he wanted to keep me on the same course of treatment if possible. (I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure Nikole hit her knees in an "hallelujah" praise, lol! I might be making that up, but we were all very excited and relieved). My response was a resounding YES! To have only 3 treatments left and an excellent chemo response- I could be fully supportive of that decision! I knew it was a miracle - no coincidences here. This experience was such a reminder to me that, my Father in Heaven knows me. He knows my fears and those things weighing heavy on my heart and he is aware of me personally. In a world filled with billions of people - he knew my need. Through my faith and the faith of family and friends, he answered our humble prayer. I won't ever forget that! Our prayers are never to small, silly, insignificant or big for him to hear and answer. I know things don't always turn out how we hope or anticipate but there is a bigger picture that you and I need to trust that He is in charge. If we can exercise our faith and turn it over to Him, I think our lives would be filled with so much meaning.
I'm so thankful for the daily tender mercies and miracles that happen daily in our lives. Feel free to share any of yours below! XOXO
